LyriCritic: Call Me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen

Call Me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen

A LyriCritic Review

Welcome to the world of Pop music, ladies and gentlemen...

To the uninitiated, let me offer a few words of advice: Don't even bother trying.

Modern Pop music is basically the reason I stick with most of the older stuff. Recently, I've made a realization that music that uses real instruments instead of synthesized beeps and boops no longer exists. And if they DO have a real instrument, it's not the main sound you hear. There are very few songs from the genre of Pop that I can actually sit down and enjoy, and if I was randomly asked what they were, I'd have to take a few minutes to remind myself what the names of them even are. This isn't a good thing. In fact, this is the worst possible thing that can ever happen in the music industry. When I think about it, I realize the reason I hate Pop so much is pretty simple:

They all sound the same.

Whether or not the tempo, beat, or sound differs, the same basic and generic emotion is apparent in every pop song I can think of. Every female artist whines about being unloved, losing love, partying, or sadness. Ever male artist semi-raps about partying, losing a girlfriend, hating females, or how awesome they are. And though the music can differ slightly from song to song, it all has the same generic bass beat, poor display of lyrical ability, and a singer that relies heavily on auto-tune or the "singing-but-not-really-singing" style that Ke$ha brought to the forefront.

Carly Rae Jepsen's most recent (and as far as I know, her only) hit, "Call Me Maybe", fits every single one of the above reasons for why I hate Pop.

Let's just hop right in.

I threw a wish in the well,
Don't ask me, I'll never tell
I looked to you as it fell,
And now you're in my way

Songs paint a picture, right? I mean, they're really just another form of telling a story. By logic, I should be able to deduce what's going on here by these four lines, right? Okay, let's give it a shot: She threw a wish in a well. Don't ask her, she'll never tell. She look to me as it fell, and now I'm in her way.

...What? I mean, the lyrics tell me something, yeah, but there's NOTHING else they give me. Even then, it's still confusing. What did you wish for? Why would you tell us you wished for it if you not going to let us know? So you dropped the "wish" and turned around right away? I'm confused, and I don't know HOW I'm in your way. You didn't say you looked to LEAVE, as it fell, so how am I in your way?

SONG! MAKE SENSE!

To be fair, it's only the first four lines. Let's see what we can get from a little more.

I'd trade my soul for a wish,Pennies and dimes for a kissI wasn't looking for this,But now you're in my way

...Losing faith in you, song. You wanna try to change that, maybe? Yeah? I'm waiting.

Your stare was holdin',Ripped jeans, skin was showin'Hot night, wind was blowin'Where you think you're going, baby?

"Where am I going? Well...I want to get away from you, because my mother told me never to talk to people who seem to be saying nonsense. Plus, I'm not sure where you got the ripped jeans bit, and I'm not keen to do a porno at the moment. This music video ends with me being gay, after all..."

Hey, I just met you,And this is crazy,But here's my number,So call me, maybe? 

No, and here's why: I JUST MET YOU. YES, THIS IS CRAZY. KEEP YOUR NUMBER. LEAVE ME ALONE, MAYBE?

It's hard to look right,At you baby,But here's my number,So call me, maybe?

Carley Rae Jepsen: The poster child for the decline in human interaction. Buy a phone and stalk someone today!

And all the other boys,Try to chase me,But here's my number,So call me, maybe?

The first two lines I doubt very highly. If all the other boys ARE trying to chase you, they should stop. You're keen on total strangers, and I foresee you not living very much longer if you continue with that lifestyle...

You took your time with the call,I took no time with the fallYou gave me nothing at all,But still, you're in my way

I have a hard time believing the guy called her voluntarily. Let's look at this a different way..."You took your time with the call," How do you know he's not busy and is just taking his time? Maybe you're watching him through the upstairs window? And once he saw you and called the cops, you were so alarmed you fell off the ladder you used to get up there, and then realized HE didn't give you the broken heart. You broke it yourself from hitting the ground that hard.

And I still don't understand how he's in your way. Are you trying to see THROUGH him, but he's too SOLID to be able to? I don't know, go listen to "Outside" by Staind. Maybe you'll learn a thing or two.

I beg, and borrow and stealHave foresight and it's realI didn't know I would feel it,But it's in my way

 Wait...Did Jepsen just go all Gollum on us? When did 'you' become 'it' and why is she stealing 'it' if it might not be real.

...Is it too late to change my emotional state from 'mildly annoyed' to 'totally terrified'?

Your stare was holdin',Ripped jeans, skin was showin'Hot night, wind was blowin'Where you think you're going, baby?

 Yeah, Carly. That's all well and good, but...What was all that stuff about in the last four lines?

Hey, I just met you,And this is crazy,But here's my number,So call me, maybe?

 Yeah, but...The other four lines?

It's hard to look right,At you baby,But here's my number,So call me, maybe?

Carly, I'm serious. I wanna know about those other fou-

Hey, I just met you,And this is crazy,But here's my number,So call me, maybe?

 ...You're just gonna keep singing and never mention them again, aren't you?

And all the other boys,Try to chase me,But here's my number,So call me, maybe?

Of course! I don't know why I expected any different...

Before you came into my lifeI missed you so badI missed you so badI missed you so, so bad

Oh, now that's just silly. That's the deal breaker right there. I can't take you seriously if you make a logical mistake like that. Nonsense! Call Me Maybe? Poppycock! Indeed.

This song hurts my brain.

It's Pop, and that already makes me head for the door, but the fact that this reached #1 on the charts and STAYED there just baffles me. I mean, this song doesn't SAY anything. It makes no sense, it touches on things that it doesn't wrap up, and the video tells a story that is TOTALLY different from what you get by listening to the song.

I just...Why do we listen to this? I mean, people MUST like it! But why? The beat isn't that catchy, the singing is sub-par  and the lyrics? Do I really need to say something about them?

I hate this song. I don't know why it was a thing, and I probably never will. But the good thing is it's starting to be played less and less, so the less I hear it the better.

If you want a particular song reviewed by me, send me an email at rantsinrap@gmail.com and I'll be in touch.

Until next time...I'm the LyriCritic, and if you question the lyrics...I probably will too.